G.I. joe: Retaliation, Written On The Toilet!

GI banner G.I. joe: Retaliation, Written On The Toilet!

Holy crap, what did they do to G.I. Joe!?! The 3 minute trailer felt like it lasted a lifetime. Directed by Jon chu who only has a few 3rd tier flicks under his belt and written by a pair of hacks, Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick who only had a one hit wonder in “Zombieland” (which could have been better) this triad of terror has finally put the last nail in the “Joes” coffin.

Here is the rundown–Zartan is still “The President” and rules the country (at least that was continued on) apparently he aligns himself with the countries of France, India, Russia and Israel–you know…all of the “evil” countries–RIGHT. So, this political statement is followed by the fact that there are no Cobras except; according to the IMDB, Firefly, Storm shadow and Zartan–less is less, not more, especially because Cobra Commander, Destro and The Baroness are not even listed in the cast or shown in the trailer–good for them, I’d bail the second I saw the script too. I figure if its a G.I. Joe film that they would at least have Serpentor, Overlord or at least Red Claw–you need a villainous leader, Zartan doesn’t cut it. I guess you can’t really blame the writers, they don’t know what G.I. Joe is and they have only written, well, nothing.
The story is this, apparently Cobra or the axis of evil, kill most of the Joes and possibly Duke, one of a handful of returning cast from The Rise of Cobra, but that is an unconfirmed kill. What remains? Well, Roadblock. Former wrestler “The Rock” is Roadblock, however he doesn’t embody anything about him, now the leader of the Joes? That is until washed up actor Bruce Willis comes in with chest pains as the original G.I. Joe, Joe Colton (mail away only) and, well, who cares….

Anyhow, I feel after seeing this that I was a bit hard on The Rise of Cobra, sure the last 15 minutes blew but the rest of the movie was great, it featured the important characters from G.I. Joe most were great actors. The movie also had a good selection of villains which is what G.I. Joe is really about, the good guys are a dime a dozen, a lot of them are cool but, its Cobra who makes for a great story. The movie was fun and fantasy-like with Accelerator Suits and a bit of comic relief and some cool, likable characters. Changing Cobra Commander up actually worked and I’m a pretty hard core G.I. Joe fan and liked it.

I guess I’ll still collect what figures I like, but I’m done with this turd,, this is my RETALIATION, its not worth wasting my overly hard earned money on

I suffered through this trailer so you didn’t have to, but the link is below. Check it out, don’t check it out–the end of the franchise, time for yet another reboot, or just get writers and a director who know something about what makes for a good G.I. Joe movie.

GRADE: F- (Direct to video garbage)!

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